When we’re born we think we are the Universe. Then, usually around age two, we realize we’re not the Universe, but we think we’re at the center of the Universe. Then, usually a few years later, we finally realize we’re just another part of the Universe. Many people never make that leap from the second to the third stage. Don’t be one of those people, son.”—Ted Schwartz, My Father, circa 1971.
As a child, I had an active imagination. Or, to put it more bluntly, I was delusional.
Depending on the season, at various times I was the starting running back for the Chicago Bears, point guard for the Bulls, and shortstop for the Cubs. Give me a basketball and an empty court, and I could spend hours mentally reconstructing an entire 7 game playoff series, in which I single handedly snatch victory from the chimeric jaws of defeat.
My fantasies were not confined to athletic conquest either. My attractive fourth grade teacher, Ms. Caldwell, preoccupied my thoughts, even as she bored me to tears expounding on prepositions. Alas, my adoration went unrequited, and it wasn’t subtle. Ms. Caldwell’s sole comment on my report card: “Jonathan is an under achiever.”
Then I grew up and put aside…
No, that’s a lie—don’t even bother completing that thought, Walter Mitty.
Throughout the post Caldwellian years I’ve lost hours writing and performing imaginary plays where my greatness made all the difference. If such indulgence is a frailty, call me weak. Other parts of me do, I assure you (come to think of it, is this written by me or the latest iteration of this part of me that now seeks international op-ed prominence?).
When I saw the movie “The Truman Show” in which Jim Carrey’s character discovers that his whole life is a daily TV drama and he’s the unwitting central character, my reaction was “how did they know? I’m the Original Truman–this is MY story!” Honest to God, as a child I was convinced that my life was a TV show and that everyone I encountered was getting paid big acting wages for their time in my presence, with unseen cameras everywhere. Discovering that someone else must’ve had the same delusion was both deflating (That’s my psychosis!) and affirming (what a relief to discover my lunacy is not unique).
So while a ball and an empty court, or the Truman Show might draw me back into delusions of grandeur past, these days my daydreams take me to that mother of all imaginary crossroads-the 2020 Presidential nominee for the Democratic Party—and the chance to slay the slimiest of all delusional foes, Donald Trump.
Donald Trump, that winner of the all—time Truman Show grand prize. Trump is Truman, Truman is Trump. Clearly Trump has spent his life casting himself as the central character of all humanity (trust me, I know the type when I see it) and now he is the central character for all humanity. Lord help us.
And now, we return to my previously recorded scenario: when last left our hero Jonny (referral to myself in the 3rd person—a staple of the delusional soul) he was on the precipice of the Presidency…this Cinderella boy…straight outta Evanston, Illinois.
Why do we need a hero like me (aka. this part of me)? Because the democrats are fighting on their lofty playground of “normal” when the fight is over there in “Crazytown.” The “normal” playing field was incinerated a long time ago. It’s long gone. The democrats are showing up for a gunfight with a butter knife and a Brooks Brothers suit. They have no passion. They have no message. They have no balls!
Take this “spygate” thing for instance. Trump and his Mafiosi peddle yet another absurd nonexistent thing, compelling 15% of republicans to change their opinion and declare that the Mueller investigation is corrupt and should be shut down. In the face of this daily dose of authoritarian fraud, the democrats roll out a series of white Ivy League lawyer lawmakers on cable news. Their talking point? “There’s no evidence of any spy conspiracy” spoken with all the passion of a two toed sloth in a footrace against a slug. And there you have it… the democratic party’s best marketing response to Trump’s war on the truth, decency, and democracy. Nothing else to see here! Really?!!
Meanwhile, 60% of Americans crave and thirst for a hero who will bring this bastard down.
Which leaves it up to the me of my imagination to deliver a nation from this tin plated Sheriff of Nottingham! And how would Super Me rise to the occasion? How would I slay the dragon? Who died and made me the hero???
Glad you asked.
It’s now the dramatic confines of the 2020 Presidential Debate, and Jake Tapper knits his brow and deals my hand.
“Mr. Schwartz, you have 90 seconds for your closing statement. The floor is yours, sir.”
Thanks, Jake…
“America, we’ve endured 4 years of the President’s assault on our Nation, the world, and human decency. The President’s daily insults on the United States of America have left most of us sad, angry, and in shock over his vileness.
As a result we are now a country divided, to the glee of our foreign enemies, and to the sadness of our friends and allies around the world. We’ve gone from the indispensable nation to a corrupt Kleptocracy whom the rest of the world neither relies upon nor respects.
This President’s modus operandi has been that of every failed totalitarian before him: make those who disagree with me hate me, those who support me love me, intimidate those who oppose me, and promote those who bow down to me.
To unify our people is not good for ratings and this Presidents’ greatest fear, above all others, is that people become indifferent and tune out. He’s the biggest attention addict this world has ever produced, and we all know it.
But his time spreading sickness on this great nation is over. He will lose this election, and he’ll lose badly. While there are still 35-40% of our fellow Americans who will vote for him, the rest of us would vote for a ham sandwich over the President and just don’t get it! Frankly, we’re appalled. And that’s the hell of it, a nation divided by a narcissist who couldn’t care less.
So here’s what I want to say to Trump voters and supporters: You no longer get to say you’re voting for him because he’s a Republican and you’re a Republican. Yes, he’s the Republican torch bearer, but only because the cowardly GOP handed him the key. No, you’re voting for him out of spite or anger, or pride. Pride, because you tell yourself he’s one of you. Someone who’s waged the battle against the bad guys, the other America, the blacks and Hispanics and Asians, the LGBTQ community, the Jews and the Mormons and the Catholics and the Muslims, and last but not least, those who immigrated into this country.
And you know what? Vote for him. Really. Vote for him if he represents your worldview. I don’t want your vote. I’m not interested in your vote.
But here’s the thing: I’m going to kick his lyin’ ass on election day, bet that! When I do my top priority over the next 8 years is going to be to tear the Pro Wrestling playbook to shreds. I’m going to meet with you, Trump voter. We’re going to hash this out! We have to figure out how we can really make America great again, accepting that all Americans are Americans whether you like it or not. You don’t have to like me, and you probably never will. But you will never be able to say we didn’t talk and I didn’t listen.
We are the United States of America. We wrote the book and still own the copyright on how to make a democracy that produced the greatest nation ever known. Our story is the envy of world history.
But we must accept that democracy is for grown-ups. It requires everyone’s participation and cooperation. It requires hard work, independent thought, and compassion from which we enjoy the freedom to choose our own destiny and an equal opportunity to chase our dreams. Everything else, all the good stuff that comes from us, our technology, our arts, our culture, our exquisitely diverse yet unified American character exists because all of us accept this responsibility to work, and to care. Thank you.”
And there it is, the end of today’s exercise in grandiosity and self-indulgence. Whew! Delusion is exhausting! I’m beat!
So whadya say? Do I have your vote???
With love, from Truman 2020 headquarters.