Keeping Our Word

There is no sugar coating it, my son is unable to make friends. His autism debilitated his language skills to the point any entreaty he makes is fully stilted and uncomfortable, and most often requires a prompt. He has no ability to modulate his tone, and no appreciation of other people’s space. Any spontaneous greeting to a stranger usually means they resemble somebody from his past and is met with awkwardness, and as he has grown into a 6’ 5” man, some trepidation. Safe to say, if you want to be a part of Luke’s life, the effort is going to have to come near completely from you.

Best Buddies is a life line for kids like Luke, who desperately want to be part of the community’s social fabric, but have a limited ability to join in. At Luke’s school, the organization has been vibrant for all of the time he has attended, but two years ago really upped its game.

Let me first advise parents of typical kids who feel the tug of charity, and think giving back to the disabled is a good fit for them, you are either in or out; it can’t be half-assed because disappointing these kids is a sin. There is nothing in my life that prepared me for the pain of seeing simple expectations and hopes my son develops when assured of some future activity dashed by last minute cancellations. Sure, he needs to cope with life’s ups and downs, but he demands so little. Picture the look when you had to tell your four year old a trip to the zoo was postponed – freeze that and apply it for the rest of their lives.  You can’t disappoint these kids!

Luke’s buddy three years ago meant well, but I suppose had a busy schedule. Many a plan was scuttled at the last minute; I saw that look way too often. I’m sure he felt he was doing what he could, all things being equal… they’re not.  Anyway, in September of Luke’s Jr. year, at the initial Best Buddy event where the kids are paired off, I took his new match Neel aside and counseled gently but firmly it was better to make no plans at all than those you may have to cancel. He looked me right in the eye, polite yet direct as can be, and declared “I would never do that.”  I chuckled ok, please just don’t promise if you can’t deliver. I doubt anyone in my life has been truer to their word.

For two years Neel was Luke’s loyal and fully proactive friend.  Not only did he never miss a sponsored event, we often received texts asking if it was alright if he picked up Luke to go to some school activity with him, events Luke never would have attended on his own because even he understands the uncoolness of parental chaperones in high school.

Neel would get up early on Sunday to have breakfast with us at Silver Diner following Luke’s hockey practices. It was during those conversations I got a broader glimpse into how special Neel was, his international parents, college and job aspirations, various activities… simply an incredibly packed schedule I never would have dreamed of at his age. Sky high goals and standards he was calmly, humbly yet relentlessly pursuing. But there was always time for Luke.

When they graduated at DAR last spring, Neel found Luke in the dense and chaotic crowds afterwards. He hugged him, and we took pictures, and I thanked God he brought somebody exceptional enough to take the time and make the effort required to understand how wonderful Luke is. Of course, it didn’t surprise me when Neel checked in this summer to spend time with his friend before heading away on various travels. Luke’s eyes lit up when he saw Neel, but so did Neel’s.

An old high school friend I have reconnected with and genuinely respect seems a big fan of the DR. Yet and still, he has suggested I spend a bit more time being positive, the glass half full thing. Those closest to me have expressed concern I’ve turned dark since November, 16’, too distracted by Trumpism’s pestilence to smell anything on a stem. They may have a point, but should never believe me hopeless about our nation’s future; that’s impossible with kids like Neel around, or Luke’s therapist, Philip, who I’d adopt if he weren’t 30 plus and already spoken for, or Carolina, the proud president of Marshall High School’s Best Buddies chapter, and the best sport possible, accepting over and over Luke’s adoring, if inappropriate hugs, or my daughter Issie, sober and  determined to look after her brother when the time comes.

I look at these kids and couldn’t be more stoked about the future they are capable of building for all of us… given the chance. My time is fast passing, and to be candid, next to the restless accomplishment and creativity of so many of today’s brightest, it’s been underwhelming. But I’m certain my peers and I have an important role to play… right now! Make sure these wonderful kids get a chance to clean up the mess we leave and thrive in a way, frankly, many my age seem disinterested in.

Just like Neel kept his word to me, doing far more than was asked and making a world’s worth of difference to my son,  it’s not too much to request I help safeguard his opportunities. As with Luke, for all of our sakes, we simply can’t disappoint these kids! BC