“Mickey Mouse! Get in here. I’ve got a job for you.”
“Yes Mr. President. How can I serve?”
“Listen, those Clemson boys did a number on the bathrooms. I need you to get some plungers and take care of it. I invited some rank and file Democrats over to talk turkey and end this shutdown they own.”
“Er, Your Greatness, Sir, I don’t think they are going to have much say on the matter. Pelosi and Schu….”
“Don’t tell me what I don’t want to hear, Mickey! My gut says we can go around those two losers! Let’s pick em off one at a time, Nobody says no to Trump! I’ll put the elbow on em. Besides, we have a bunch of Wendy’s salads left over. Synergy, Mickey, that’s what makes deals happen. It’s in my book.”
“And a wonderful read it is, Sir, but they seem pretty tight on this one. It’s hard to see many reasons they’d cave. They do seem to have us a bit corner…….”
“God Damn it, stop being a little girl, Mickey! I’ve got em right where I want them. Ask Sean! Miller Time just told me things looked great, the border’s never been more dangerous, and the numbers couldn’t be better! Did you see how my wonderful ICE personnel respected my leadership when I visited? So loyal! You could learn a thing or two from them Mick!”
“Yes, I’m sure I could Sir, but 37 % approval is not very, er, substantial…. and 55% now strongly disapprove of your job performance. Umm, isn’t that a problem, oh Master of the Game?”
“What polls are you looking at, runt?! The latest NRA multiple weapon owners poll has me at 90 plus, and the GOP base is over 80! I’m talking about numbers that matter, ya little rodent! Ainsley told me I’ve never been more popular and make her weak in the knees. I’m not interested in distractions or haters. You’re as bad as the General. I thought we had an agreement! I put up with his crap because he was a tough son of a bitch, kind of bullied me around. You’re just a weasel, Mickey. Who needs you, if you’re not going to be fair to me.?”
“Sorry, oh GOAT of GOATs … hee hee, my bad. I promise I’ll work on that. Of course I’m unworthy and so lucky to have my 3 er 4 jobs. You can count on me.”
“Where are we with that bastard, Powell over at the Federal Reserve. He’s crapping on my Market Miracle. I don’t like it, not one bit. I may need to can his ass!”
“Well, Oh All Natural Locks of Gold, he does have a point. Very tough to have zero interest rates at full employment. It’s kind of, uh, you know, an economic principle.”
“Go get your things, you f**kin munchkin! I’m done with you! Principles! Do you think I won the greatest electoral victory in history worrying about principles. When they said I had no path, what did I say?”
“Uh, it’s all a rigged system?”
No! You little Keebler Wannabe! I gave them the Donald magic.! And sure as hell didn’t worry about principles. Principles… crap! That’s what they said about the Tax giveaway. Did I listen then?! And look where we are!! Jerry Jones called me and said he just christened his $250 million yacht, for God’s sake!! You think that would have happened if I worried about principles?!! The markets don’t like rate hikes… Stuart Varney taught me that long ago. God Damn it. I want to have a talk with that ingrate!”
“I’ll schedule it, Oh Mighty One.”
“See to it! And while we’re discussing things that piss me off, why are we still in NATO? I told Bolton I wanted out ASAP. He said he’d get right on it and now it’s just like Syria…. nothing happening. Vladi, er, I mean… Damn it, I made promises during the campaign and I mean to keep them!”
“But Oh Most Virile of All Men, I don’t recall you saying you’d leave NATO.”
“And why would you remember, you disloyal rat, you were busy dissing me during your own race! So unfair! Well, I said they weren’t paying their fair share, and they still aren’t. It’s not a good fit. I need room to spread my wings. Besides, none of them are on board with leveling Iran. Bolt keeps telling us that. NATO’s history. Make it happen.”
“Ok, sure Your Highness, but it’s going to take time, and you may get impeached.”
“Let em try! All we got on McClownell and Queen Lindsey! Nothing to worry about. It’ll be great ratings. Besides, everyone will be busy watching the War! It’s all I did back in Desert Storm. All day… shock and whatever!”
“You sure are brave, oh Winner of all Winners! A true inspiration. And who knew nihilist militarism was so fun and exciting. I’ll go get to work on another cabinet meeting to highlight how seamless your leadership is. And I’ll definitely be taking notes!”
“Good idea, Lil Mickey. But take care of those toilets first. Who says Big Macs plug you up?!” BC