Randy Santel approaches what he does with an evangelical determination. More than 700 times over the last several years he has overcome challenges precious few would even consider. Over and over he has fought the clock to achieve preeminence in his specialized pursuit. Sometimes he has failed, which is most often punctuated by the harsh indignity of public puking, but not often, usually willing himself on to victory. And in his own way, with the enthusiasm borne from youthful naïveté, his enterprise is a metaphor for today’s America. Santel is a competitive eater, literally traveling the globe to document his relentless encounters with food challenges, chasing glory one pig out at a time.
Our President always wants his base to know he is every bit as committed to getting the W as Santel. When he announced his latest “comprehensive” immigration plan, he praised it as the first concerted effort in 50 years to tackle the intractable issue head on. That most lawmakers on both sides of the aisle disagreed had little effect on the Administration’s messaging. Asked how any plan that fails to mention the future of DACA can be taken seriously, White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders went full Orwell, deadpanning that omitting DACA precisely illustrates the proposal’s solemn intentions. In other words, if part of the discussion is intractable and unpleasant, pretend that issue no longer exists and get the win; that’s what really counts anyway… right? Huh?!
Nine pound pizzas, multi-gallon milk shakes, 96 Oz. steaks and thigh-high cheeseburger towers, Santel tackles them all. From Iowa to Scotland, Florida to Spain, his “Atlas and Zeus” You Tube domain chronicles each foray into gastronomic oblivion. He’s definitely not doing it for the riches. Typically, a successful effort results in very modest reward from whichever establishment he visits and promotes for a particular challenge. A free meal, perhaps a T-shirt, maybe some chump change if he breaks a previous record.. When Paul Newman and George Kennedy created one of movie history’s great scenes in Cool Hand Luke, it’s doubtful they figured, 50 years later, eating 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour would barely raise the eyebrows among a sub culture that sprouted seamlessly from America’s devotion to excess. Try 20-dozen or so raw oysters in an hour! Now there’s some real chowing!
Successful previous administrations shared an effective decision making process, which included robust input from Capital Hill. Why toil to roll out a policy or proposal that dies in committee, or finally gets back to the President’s desk so laden with amendments it’s no longer recognizable. It’s the difference between serious governance and show-pony politics. Better to solicit input from the get-go, respect the process. Had LBJ simply plopped a civil rights package on the docket and screeched for a vote, defeat would have been a certainty. Pretending formidable opposition to the legislation was inconsequential, or could simply be steamrolled by Presidential force of will was nonsensical, and would have meant he wasn’t serious about getting something historic to the finish line.
Today we have a President who defines bipartisanship as Democrats bending the knee to his desires – and if they do, it means he didn’t ask for enough and its goalpost moving time – anything else is a bad deal his base will shrilly denounce. Policy substance is a detriment to the only thing of real importance….. getting a win. To be fair, immigration has been kicked down the road for decades, Trump isn’t the first to dodge the political pain it’s solution would require. But he is the first to mold the issue into a central campaign pledge, with nothing but hatred and draconian measures constantly sold to his wretched core as prime indicators of his political courage. Of course we’re finding out it takes no bravery at all to cast immigrants as scum, and welcome them to our shores by stealing their children and denying any and all claims for asylum. When Stephen Miller can rise to the top, you’ve created a snake pit, not a policy shop.
It appears the key to Randy Santel’s success is deconstruction. He never attempts to actually eat some monstrous sandwich as it was intended to be consumed, instead always devouring its contents first and then finishing the bread as a fully separate item. One could rightly ask if that is really true to the nature of the endeavor. After all, the contest is to eat a sandwich, not a bunch of meat and cheese and bread. Yet and still, most of the creations he tackles are so massive conventional consumption is impossible anyway so it seems purists don’t have much of a case. In any event, reducing a pizza meant to feed an entire sky suite to its body and crusts means, as the clock ticks down, Santel will be struggling to ingest a mound of very unappetizing dough. By the time he finishes and declares victory in between contorted belches, witnesses have sworn off pizza for the foreseeable future. But Santel only cares about the win, ugly or not.
It seems intuitive that, were one really serious about solving the immigration quagmire, better to break it down to its component parts and hammer out consensus one at a time. Pre-Trump approaches recognized the logic behind such a strategy and, while still failing miserably, at least showed a sliver of good faith by sticking to what was practical. As a rule, Trump and good faith are oxymoronic, never more so than with respect to immigration. Doing anything right by desperate refugees, on any issue, large or small, is sacrilegious to the template for nastiness he promotes as his brand of leadership. Extending or cementing DACA would be the very essence of decency, and offering it would place real pressure on Democrats to come up with concessions to make it happen, wall funding included. It may even beguile more than a few from their current impeachment preoccupation. But such win-win possibilities are no longer even considered by this Miller-led West Wing. Trump would rather just ignore the issue altogether, fixating instead on allowing “those we can use” to the front of the line, and what color paint is best for his wall. Like Middle East peace, “comprehensive” is a synonym for “non-starter,” a waste of everybody’s time…. no more than a new talking point for rallies. Turns out Mr. Negotiator can’t even get to first base because the nihilism he represents abhors solutions. Far better to simply blather “agree or else” and, once again, claim the win.
When Randy Santel began his eating obsession a few years back, he was a splendid physical specimen, ripped to the core with full six-pack abs. Now, more than 700 “wins” later, he is overweight and soft, a sad testament to the insults gluttony bestows on even youthful frames. You wouldn’t call him obese, but you surely wouldn’t say he is healthy, the once lean athlete replaced by a lumbering gourmand. Indeed, God knows what such constant satiation is doing to his heart and other vital organs, but Santel seems unconcerned. Each day is a new opportunity to turn too much sustenance into waste. And make no mistake, each video he produces mirrors America in the Age of Trump….a nation bent on the rightness of stuffing itself with the rewards its past selflessness earned, scarfing down its due, no longer restrained by moderation. Enjoy it now, while it lasts, and never apologize. Making improvements to what we’ve been blessed with is lib foolishness. The clock is ticking and that slice of pie is zero-sum, yours or somebody else’s. Forget about the opus of reaching consensus and actually governing, it’s all about getting the W…… even if it kills you. BC
An aptly grotesque analogy!
What we have here is a failure to communicate!